Why am I doing this?

It's actually quite a sad story. I haven't felt that sad, hurt, disappointed and confused for a long time, if at all ever.

I met someone I was starting to really have true feelings for. This guy seemed to have it all and I was definitely falling in love with him. He said he was feeling the same way and so naturally he wanted his parents to meet me. I hadn't fallen this hard for a guy in a LONG time and I had never been so nervous to meet someone's parents. I'm really good with people and most parents I've met have easily liked me... so I knew I shouldn't be nervous. But I really liked this one...

For three days I fretted over the perfect outfit to wear. How would I wear my hair? What shoes would go good with my outfit? I think I literally spent about 3 hours (triple the amount of time it normally takes me) showering, blow-drying my hair to perfection and making sure my make-up was perfect.

The picture above was taken of Michael (name has been changed out of privacy) and me right before we were to meet his parents. Michael had repeatedly told me how much his mother would like me and how well we would get along. He described her has very friendly and good with people that I was most excited to meet her.

We went to dinner and I was introduced to his parents but his mom didn't talk much. Anyways, we went on with the night and I didn't think much of it. Everybody has "off" days and maybe she just wasn't as chatty as Michael had described her to be.

Sunday comes around and Michael had invited me over for General Conference (a televised portion of our church that happens semi-annually where we get to hear from our leaders.) After General Conference, Michael goes and talks to his dad about some business they had and I was left with his mom. I suddenly got really nervous. This was it. Either she likes me or she doesn't.

It was clear from talking to her for 3 minutes that she already didn't like me. I racked my brain over every conversation we had ever had how on earth she could have a negative impression of me and could come up with nothing. She talks to me for a little bit, asking questions here and there but it was the first time I had felt uncomfortable in front of someone in a very long time. She didn't seem to care about me or the questions she was asking me. She seemed to be doing it because she had to.

Later, when Michael was done talking business with his dad she asks if she can talk to him (Michael) privately for a moment. My heart sunk. I'm really good at reading people and their body language and it was clear from hers that she wasn't a fan of me. I hoped that I wasn't being paranoid and maybe she was talking to him about something else.... but something in the back of my head told me she was talking about me.

I remember the last time I felt like that was in High School. When some friends would back stab another friend to get up higher on the food chain. That's why I hated High School.... it brought out the worst in people.

Michael lives in Salt Lake and we were planning on making the 50 minute drive to Provo to introduce him to my family. I didn't wait long once we got into the car to ask the question, since it was burrowing away at my soul,

"what did your mom say when she pulled you aside?" I asked, hoping I was just being paranoid. I wasn't.

He let out a deep sigh and his honesty struck at my heart with the words, "She said she was concerned about your weight."

Wow. Really? I had spent all that time trying to look perfect and be perfect to meet someone when it wouldn't have mattered??? My weight is why she doesn't like me?

My heart felt like someone had just strapped a twenty pound weight to my left  and right ventricular valves. I started asking him more questions hoping that he had stood up for me, but I found out that he barely had.

To make a long story short, three days later Michael's mom came over and convinced him that a life with me was not what he would want... and then he broke up with me. That was the sole reason he broke up with me. That was it, his mother thought I was fat and it bothered her.

That night and days following were some of the hardest I have ever experienced. It's still really really hard. I still really care about Michael and I'm still trying to work towards forgiving him and his mother. Sometimes it just takes time.

Ironically, the same General Conference in which his mother pulled him aside about my weight was the one where I heard this quote,

If I have one message to Michael's mom, it would be not to judge me because I sin differently from her. Just because I wear my flaws so the whole world can see them does NOT mean I'm not an amazing girl who would have loved your son with a love you would have only hoped for.

As much as I would love to hate her... I don't. I feel sorry for her. And any girl Michael chooses to marry. And believe me... when I'm 80 pounds thinner I'll be smiling at you. And then, your son would only wish I was in his league.