Where do I begin?
|Demarie, mom, me and Angela in 2006|
What I'm about to confess is something that is very personal to me. If I haven't told you before, please don't be offended. I have chosen to tell very few people about this... and it's nothing personal. Just the fact that I'm fat is not something I like to talk to people about. Some of you might have wondered or guessed... but I'll just tell you:
In February 2007 I had gastric bypass surgery. I thought it was the start of a new life. And it was.... for a little while. I lost about 80 pounds and quickly.
every time I ate. I still sometimes get sick after I eat. I mistakenly thought that after having the surgery, I would never have to worry about putting on weight again.
And then disaster hit. My world as I knew it came crumbling to the ground. My family: the foundation I had always counted on was falling apart. After 31 years of marriage my dad broke the news to me and my sister that him and my mother had decided to get a divorce. It blindsided me.
I feel like with most divorces, people know they are coming. That was not the case here. It literally came out of nowhere. Maybe I had chosen to become oblivious to the obvious lack of love my parents had started showing to each other. I had always been able to count on my parents and to realize out they weren't perfect people was hard. It was almost too much for me.
So, I started to find comfort in the things I could count on and control.... food. Not only did I turn to food but I did the one thing they told us I could never do after having the surgery.... and that was drink ANY kind of soda. The reason you are not supposed to drink it, is because the carbination stretches out your stomach.
Now, I'm not sure if that's the sole reason I gained all the weight back (My Dr. Pepper addiction.) But it surely didn't help, I'm sure.
Why did I do it if I knew I wasn't supposed to? I can't really answer that. I'm not sure why. If I were to think of a deep meaning behind it, all I could say is that I think it was the one thing in my life I felt like I could control... and it brought me (temporary) happiness.
If I could take back having the surgery, I would. Before having the surgery, my parents asked me to pray about having it to see if it was the right option for me and I did.... and I got the answer, "no." But I wanted it SO badly that I didn't listen. I lied to my parents and told them I got the answer yes. They don't know that, I haven't told anybody that until now. And I feel really bad about it. I wish I had listened.
I feel like now having had the surgery it hinders my weight loss. Why? Because I am constantly hungry. I can't eat as much and I'm only full for about 5 minutes until I'm FULL ON HUNGRY (as if I had never eaten) again. 5 minutes. No exaggeration. My stomach found ways to adapt. And I just digest my food ultra fast. And I mean ultra fast.
I am now heavier then I was before I had the surgery. 20 pounds heavier to be exact. I hate that fact, actually.
This time, I'm determined to not take the easy way out but do this the right way.... through diet and exercising. I've been really struggling the past couple of days and so I am calling out all my favors to you, my readers. Please ask me how I'm doing emotionally, and how the diet is going. Call me to go on a hike or a walk or just your little words of encouragement help! I need you guys!
If you have any questions about what I have just asked you please feel free to leave a comment with your question and I will try to answer every question.
There, I did it. I told you.